Online Poker Cheating Comedy

Lots of people find nothing funny about online poker cheats cheating honest online poker players, but if I didn't post this humorous article by Pokersoftware.com I would be cheating you out of a good laugh. However, before you read this online poker cheat article, I must assure you that is has no validity whatsoever, but if you never thought anything about cheating in poker games online was funny, this might change your mind!

You win; we give up. Online poker is rigged. Online poker is completely and totally unfair and favors the inexperienced, the fish, anyone with big cards, the people who know about “action flops,” and basically everyone but you. You see, we are experts here at PokerSoftware.com and discovered how the game was rigged pretty much right away. We use Holdem Manager, PokerTracker, and a super secret automatic cheating program that we can’t even talk about; they all indicated to us that the games were rigged.

We’re sorry, want to fess up completely, and let our loyal readers know how they too can take advantage of the systems that are in place in online poker rooms to get rich as quickly as possible. We each have a few hundred million dollars in numbered accounts in the Cayman Islands and we’re ready to retire and pass on our knowledge to you.

The first thing you need to understand is why the sites are rigged. Once you understand the why, taking advantage of the system is easy. The online poker sites, just as you probably suspected all along, want to reward bad players. Some people think this is to even out the win rates, so everyone is closer to breaking even and stick around to pay more rake. While that may be part of the reason, it’s certainly not the entire story.

The people who own the large online poker sites are cruel, evil, and hateful. They want to see good players lose and they love to watch bad beats. They set up the software to punish you, the solid player, and reward the donkey that called your all-in with Ace-Five. We got to sit in on one of their little meetings. We’re not allowed to use the real name of the poker room CEO who showed us how all of this works, so we’ll just call him Evil Bob.

Evil Bob – “Welcome to my office. You’re just in time for my turn at the helm of the Rigged Action Kismet Experiment software. We call it R.A.K.E.”

Fox – “Fascinating. How does it work?”

Evil Bob – Well, there are two components: Automatic Card Tools, or ACT, which we just let run on its own. This tool adjusts the randomness of the cards so that there are more action flops and bad players tend to be rewarded. If you get your money in with the best hand five times in a row and don’t win a single pot, ACT has probably determined that you are playing well. It’s a compliment, really.”

Fox – “I’ve certainly been the victim of that.”

At this point, Bob hit a few keys on his keyboard, asked me my screen name, and chuckled to himself.

Evil Bob – “Oh yeah, we’ve cost you 4,218 pots just with ACT. You must play pretty well. And sorry about that straight flush over straight flush last year in $10/$20 No Limit Hold’em, but believe it or not, that was just bad luck and not manipulation.”

Fox – “Really?”

Evil Bob – “Of course not, idiot. Our Vice President in Charge of Making Professional Players Hate Poker did that himself. He laughed about it for two days.”

Fox – “Uh.”

Evil Bob – “Now the second component of our system is the really fun stuff. You’re going to love it. It’s called the Arkon 2000 System in our interoffice memos, but we just refer to it as The Doom Switch.”

Fox – “There’s really a Doom Switch?”

Evil Bob – “Yeah. We’re really not sure how that one got out and onto the forums. We suspected three different employees of leaking it, but couldn’t pin it on any one of them. We had all three killed, but the damage was already done. Now everyone uses the term.”

Fox – “Yeah, but most people don’t think it’s a real thing.”

Now Bob began to cackle in an unpleasant nasal laugh that rattled the fillings in my teeth.

Evil Bob – “Of course it’s real. You’ve been the victim of it yourself almost 300 times. Come over here and I’ll show you.”

As I walked around behind Bob’s huge oak desk, the sight of six tables greeted me on each of his two computer monitors. He wasn’t multi-tabling sit and gos; there was a big red button in the middle of each monitor that said “DOOM” on it in black gothic lettering. All of the hole cards were clearly visible.

Evil Bob – “Watch this. The fish here on table three just called a raise with jack-five suited, while the under the gun raiser has Aces. This is going to be great. I just drop the red button on the table and the Aces have no shot.”

I watched as it unfolded, the Jack-Four-Trey flop, seemingly safe for the Aces. There was a bet and a raise and soon all of the money was in the middle. When the cards were flipped over, the player with the Aces actually said “rofl” to indicate the absurdity of his opponent’s all-in play with top pair and no kicker. Then, an Ace fell on the turn and Bob actually giggled to himself. The river Deuce gave the Jack-Five a five-high straight and the $200 pot. Bob roared with laughter and I thought I detected a faint hint of brimstone in the air. This man was truly evil.

I watched for a few more minutes. As the beats continued, Bob’s mood became darker and darker.

Evil Bob – “You know I can set this on your account permanently? I could just enter in your screen name and you would be forever doomed, the beats never-ending.”

Fox – “Oh my. That sounds like a nightmare.”

Evil Bob – “Except you never wake up.”

So now you know how and why the sites are rigged: Profit and evil. With an understanding of these things, you can defeat the system and make yourself as rich as we are here at PokerSoftware.com. Just follow a few simple guidelines:

1. Don’t win too much at anyone site. They notice this and the doom switch is turned on.

2. When you get all of your money in, do it quickly so that Evil Bob and his cohorts don’t have time to drop the bad beat on you.

3. Think about what would generate the most rake for the site. ACT is designed specifically to maximize rake, so expect split pots and assume the short stack will almost always win when they are all-in.

4. Play in unexpected ways to confuse the system. If you reraise with Ten-Four one time, the system may tag you as a fish for up to an hour. As soon as you see your hands start to hold up, you can start to play lots of big pots and pile on the winnings.

5. Be careful of the Cash Out Curse. If you have to cash out money from an online poker room, don’t play on that room for two weeks afterward. You will just lose money hand over fist as punishment for removing it from the site in the first place. When you come back after two weeks, your curse will have been reset and you will have a nice winning day as a way for the software to get you hooked on playing again.

If you follow our simple guidelines, you should be winning money in no time. Once you make your first $20 million, you can meet us in Aruba for a big party we have every year. We sit around and watch people play online and drink ourselves in to a stupor telling stories about the old days when we thought that playing good poker would help us win money. We’ll see you there next year!

Rep. Barney Frank Gets 1 Step Closer to Legalization of Online Poker! "Govt should not interfere with people's liberty unless there's a good reason."

Representative Barney Frank certainly does not cheat his poker faithful. This week the Massachusetts representative introduced a set of bills designed to freeze the UIGEA and allow US residents freedom to play poker on the Internet. Frank's bill establishes the Department of the Treasury as the licensing and regulating authority, and provides for the consumer protections the gambling ban does not offer, including age and identification verification, responsible gaming systems, and measures against money laundering and cheating.

Alphonse D'Amato, chairman of the Poker Players Alliance, praised Frank and his efforts.

“Online poker is a legal, thriving industry and poker players deserve the consumer protections and the freedom to play that are provided for in this legislation,” said D’Amato. The ex-Senator said he promised to “activate the alliances grassroots army made up of over one million members to help him drive legislation”.

The bill grants states the right to opt out, meaning states that don't allow land-based poker do not have to accept online play. Licenses will only be awarded to operators that respect the laws of individual states, so such non-gambling states as Hawaii and Utah will likely be blocked by regulated poker rooms.

Also, players used to pocketing winnings on a regular basis without reporting them to Uncle Sam will now find their take a little lighter. Frank includes clauses that require the online gambling operator to set aside taxes against winnings before paying patrons.

Still, the legal gray cloud may be lifted if the bill can pass through Congress. Monitoring for cheating will ease the minds of many online players, and security of personal information may bring thousands of new players to the Internet.

"The government should not interfere with people's liberty unless there is a good reason," said Frank in a press conference on Capitol Hill. "This is, I believe, the single biggest example of an intrusion into the principle that people should be free to do things on the Internet. It's clearly the case that gambling is an activity that can be done offline but not online."

Peeping Tom Atlantic City Surveillance Supervisor Loses Bid to Get His Casino Job Back

ATLANTIC CITY - A former casino surveillance supervisor who was accused - then cleared - on charges that he used his security cameras to leer at women will not be getting his job back.

A New Jersey appeals court ruled Thursday that Caesars Atlantic City had every right to fire Robert Swan, even though he was exonerated of wrongdoing in a highly publicized casino spying case.

"Caesars apparently made a business decision to terminate all of the at-will employees who were implicated in the scandalous allegations of using surveillance equipment to peer at selected portions of the anatomy of female patrons and casino workers, which is within the employer's power to do," the court concluded in a 23-page opinion.

Swan was among four surveillance officers who allegedly trained their cameras on women's breasts and buttocks while working the graveyard shift in October 2004. While the other three were disciplined by the New Jersey Casino Control Commission, the panel ultimately found no evidence that Swan violated any gaming regulations while performing his surveillance duties.

Caesars fired all four of the surveillance workers. Swan filed a lawsuit against the casino in 2006 claiming he was wrongfully terminated. Swan also contended Caesars created the false impression that he was "a pervert who abused his position as a surveillance officer and used surveillance cameras to leer at and stalk females on the casino floor."

Rejecting Swan's arguments, the appeals court ruled that Caesars had the authority to fire him with or without cause. Russell L. Lichtenstein, a Caesars attorney, said the casino conducted its own investigation of the spying allegations and found that Swan had improperly used the surveillance cameras.

"It was pretty clear that Swan violated a number of internal policies and procedures specifically designed to prevent this type of thing," Lichtenstein said.

A footnote in the appeals ruling quoted a former Caesars surveillance officer as saying that Swan allegedly used the cameras to zoom in on women, made copies of pornographic videotapes while at work and occasionally would fall asleep on duty.

Neither Swan nor his Philadelphia attorney, Richard M. Golomb, returned messages seeking comment.

In September 2005, Caesars agreed to pay a $185,000 fine to the Casino Control Commission to settle regulatory violations in the spying case involving Swan and his co-workers. Caesars also paid an $80,000 fine in 2004 in another case involving two other surveillance officers who trained their cameras on women's low-cut necklines.

Lichtenstein could not say whether Caesars tightened its policies in response to the video spying, but he did note that surveillance officers are required to sign rules that bar them from improperly using the security cameras. Previously, Caesars said it has a "zero-tolerance policy" toward any inappropriate conduct in the surveillance department.

Hidden in the ceiling of every casino hotel, the surveillance cameras are supposed to be used to surreptitiously monitor the gaming floor and other sensitive areas for cheating, theft and other crimes.

Major Australian Casino Burned By Fake-Chip Scam!

MELBOURNE'S Crown casino is in crisis after discovering its tables had been flooded with a fortune in counterfeit gambling chips. Casino bosses were scrambling to check the authenticity of a staggering $13.7 million worth of $1,000 chips after near-perfect fakes were detected a few days ago. Crown officials admitted they had so far found $36,000 in fraudulent chips, the Herald Sun reported.

To limit the damage, the casino resorted to changing the colour of its $1,000 chips to a different shade of blue, and a hunt for those behind the fraud has begun.

A gaming floor worker raised the alarm as she handled one of the chips in the high-security counting room. Crown officials admitted they had no idea how long the fraud had been going on or how much they had lost. (Probably a while)

"While doing routine checks, one of the officers detected what appeared to be fake $1000 chips. As a consequence of that, we recalled all of the $1000 chips from all of the tables," casino spokesman Gary O'Neill told the Herald Sun.

Mr O'Neill said the fakes were of a "reasonably good quality".

"We have checked all of them and we have found 36 fakes," he said. "I'm not saying it's not a problem ... but we have reissued a completely different chip."

Gamblers at Crown were kept in the dark last night as the $1,000 chips were gradually swapped for a different colour. "They are totally different," Mr O'Neill said.

Police and the Victorian Commission for Gambling Regulation have been notified of the fraud. "We don't know how long they have been in circulation on the floor," Mr O'Neill said.

Read more here about how counterfeit chip scams take place in casinos.

Poker Cheats Using Isotopes To Mark Cards?

This is a scary thought for brick and mortar cardrooms. Not too long ago I wrote an article for Bluff Magazine about the ongoing development of high-tech poker cheating, which I said might be around in a few years, but it might be around NOW!

That's if certain info I have been receiving is accurate. According to three different sources, two of which have previously supplied me with very accurate information concerning high-tech brick and mortar poker and casino scams, a high tech cheat team has been experimenting with Isotopes to mark poker cards in several UK cardrooms. I do not have the names of these cardrooms, but imagine this is taking place in London, as do most of the major poker and casino scams in the UK.

How fearful should we be if this becomes an everyday reality? VERY! I am no expert in Isotope card marking, and when I wrote my article on high tech cheating, I did some research as to what it actually is. The Wikipedia definition of isotopic labelling is:

The use of unusual isotopes as tracers or markers in chemical reactions. Normally, atoms of a given element are indistinguishable from each other. However, by using isotopes of different masses, they can be distinguished by mass spectrometry or infrared spectroscopy (see "Properties"). For example, in 'stable isotope labeling with amino acids in cell culture (SILAC)' stable isotopes are used to quantify proteins. If radioactive isotopes are used, they can be detected by the radiation they emit (this is called radioisotopic labeling).

In other words, marking cards by isotopic labelling is about as foolproof a way to do it as possible, and virtually impossible to detect.

I only have one question on the subject: Will it soon be possible to mark cards in online poker games?

I will keep you posted.

Are How to Cheat at Roulette Gadgets Effective in Cheating Other Casino Games?

This is a question that is getting more attention lately. Why? Because more and more, casinos, especially those in the UK and Europe where the use of devices to beat casinos is a much less serious offense than it is in the US, are getting hip to high-tech casino cheats running around their roulette tables with computers. What is going on more these days is that the same type of devices, such as the shoe-based computer used by Hungarian cheat/gambler Laszlo Kovacs, are now being used to track the outcomes of other casino gambling games, mainly that of the Big Six Wheel. In theory, the mechanics of a manual Big Six Wheel, which is a popular game among non-die-hard gamblers, are quite similar to that of roulette. Instead of spinning a roulette ball around the grooves of a cylinder, the Big Six Wheel dealers spin an entire large vertical wheel, much like you see on the TV show Wheel of Fortune. In fact, keeping track of spins and using a roulette-type computer is easier to do on a Big Six Wheel than on a roulette wheel. So, yes, these roulette cheat gadgets are effective on manual versions of Big Six Wheels.

As far as other casino games go, roulette computers do not have much use.

Party Poker Takes Poker Cheats To War!

I have been blogging about player safety in internet poker for four years now and Party Poker has been one of the few sites that during this time has both avoided cheating scandals and consistently appeared on my Top-10 rankings for the safest poker sites. In addition to its clean record as far as cheating and player-accounts security are concerned, Party Poker has also been a leader in offering the best player sign-up bonuses as well as maintaining top of the line customer support and service, with online response times among the best in the online gaming industry.

Another field of excellence from Party Gaming is its online betting and sportsbook offering accurate wagering lines on various sporting and gaming events from all over the world including American, Australian and European professional leagues as well as wagering opportunities for popular lawn and pub games like cricket and darts. Just about all the action you can think of is waiting for you at Party Poker, so if you´re new to Internet Gambling or you´re a veteran looking for a change for the better, don´t hesiteate to sign up.

My advice is that you can feel safe and protected from cheating scandals when playing on Party Gaming´s sites.

Join the world's premier online poker room and enjoy a range of exciting tournaments. Play Omaha Hi Lo Poker in our busy poker rooms, with free practice play, and a range of money play games.

Connecticut Casino Cheat's Craps Case Going To Trial!

It is rare that a poker or casino cheat case goes to trial, but the case of Richard Taylor, who organized the Connecticut inside dealer cheat scam that victimized Foxwoods' and Mohegan Suns' craps tables, is taking that route. And it seems to me, in conjunction with his high $250,000 bond, that this guy is in some serious deep casino shit. He's probably looking at several years in state prison.

Jury selection is scheduled to start today in the case of the Memphis, Tennessee, man accused by police of masterminding an elaborate cheating scam at casino craps tables. Richard S. “Mr. Casino” Taylor, 43, of Memphis has pleaded not guilty to charges of cheating, conspiracy to commit cheating at gambling, first-degree larceny and conspiracy to commit first-degree larceny.

Police say a group of more than a dozen people, including employees at Foxwoods Resort Casino and Mohegan Sun, worked with Taylor to cheat the casinos out of thousands of dollars. An investigation by the state police casino unit revealed some dealers were being paid in exchange for allowing late bets at their craps tables.

Dealers admitted to taking part in the scam, some claiming it has been going on for years, according to the arrest affidavit by state police Detective Richard Bedard.
Assistant State’s Attorney Steve Carney, who is prosecuting the case, initially filed a motion to include former Foxwoods dealer Mattie Tarlton of New London in the trial. Police said Tarlton made overpayments totaling nearly $60,000 while dealing. Other dealers have admitted to taking hundreds of dollars in payoffs from Taylor for allowing the late bets.

The motion recently was withdrawn and Tarlton is due in court Monday as part of normal pre-trial proceedings. Cases are pending against several other people, who police said used code names for identification at the casino and held secret meetings where dealers collected their payoffs, police said.

Taylor remains held on a $250,000 bond. He is represented by attorney Ralph Bergman.

Well, I guess "Mr. Casino" will soon be called "Mr. Jailhouse Casino" and he might start up a crooked craps game in the big house!