Saturday, November 01, 2008

Obama and McCain Face-Off In Liar's Poker Match To Determine Election Winner!

Since cheating has been no stranger to US Presidential Elections (just remember the tainted Florida ballots that cheated Al Gore out of the presidency in 2000 and gave us 8 years of George Bush!), both Barack Obama and John McCain have agreed to settle any 2008 election controversies with the utmost fairness to both parties. In the event of an election too close to call, the candidates decided that the next president would be the one who could best the other in a game of Presidential Liar’s Poker. For those of you who don’t know what Presidential Liar’s Poker is, it is simply a game where one candidate makes a statement and the other either accepts it as fact or challenges it. If the candidate making the statement is not challenged, he receives one point. If he is challenged and proved correct, he receives two points. If he’s challenged and proved wrong, the challenger receives two points. It was agreed that the first candidate to reach six points would be declared President of the United States. A coin toss (with a Bill Clinton half-dollar whose both sides were tails) determined that Obama would make the opening statement after McCain called “Heads.” Please don’t ask me how it could have been a Bill Clinton half-dollar if both sides were tails…I don’t know.

In order to avoid further controversy in the event of an election too close to call, and to avoid having the deadlocked candidates have to face off against each other in person, where name-calling and other unpleasantness might be exchanged, the actual game of Presidential Liar’s Poker took place last night—and I, being one of the greatest liars and cheaters of all time, managed to steal the results! Well, I don’t expect you to be surprised by the outcome of the game, nor do I expect you to be surprised by the facts and fiction that came out of it. So, here it is:

Statement One by Barrack Obama: My name is Barrack, and I am not only not a Muslim, but I have no affiliation with the Muslim faith.

McCain did not challenge, and if he had, not only would he have been surprised but so would you. The fact is that Obama is actually Jewish! Barrack is a very Jewish name, even that of the main character in the classic film depicting the birth of the State of Israel, Exodus. Obama won the point.

Score: Obama 1 McCain 0

Statement Two by John McCain: I did not choose Sarah Palin as my running mate because she looks like my high school librarian who I used as a fantasy while masturbating 54 years ago.

Obama immediately challenged. Digging through McCain’s personal diary, which contains more than 6,000 pages and 2,000,000 words, evidence was found that Palin does look like a librarian whom McCain wrote about lasciviously. Obama was awarded two points, but then McCain challenged on the grounds that his masturbating using the Palin look-alike occurred 55 years ago and not 54. The judges reversed their decision and McCain was awarded two points.

Score: McCain 2 Obama 1

Statement Three by Obama: I never had any dealings with the Ku Klux Klan.

McCain looked very confused by the statement and then decided to challenge because he figured it was a trick statement. No records existed of Obama being affiliated with the KKK or any other hate group. Two points were awarded to Obama.

Score: Obama 3 McCain 2

Statement Four by McCain: I was held as a prisoner of war by the Vietcong in North Vietnam during the Vietnam war.

Obama looked very confused by the statement and considered challenging it. But he did not. But he should have. It was revealed that McCain was actually held prisoner by his own troops. McCain won the point.

Score Obama 3 McCain 3

Statement Five by Obama: Hillary Clinton made a pass at me after one of our primary debates.

At this McCain not only didn’t challenge but he chuckled as well, explaining that Hillary Clinton also made a pass at him. One judge, out of curiosity, suggested that the videotape of the Obama/Clinton tapes be replayed, but the two others said that such would not be in good taste. Obama won the point.

Score Obama 4 McCain 3

Statement Six by McCain: I did not have any plastic surgery that resulted in the uneven puffiness on both sides of the bottom of my face.

Obama laughed. The judges laughed harder. Obama then challenged, saying McCain had cause for a malpractice suit. A team of plastic surgeons was called in to the game to examine McCain’s face. They determined that McCain’s lower-face puffiness was due simply to his talking more than usual the last two years. McCain was awarded two points.

Score McCain 5 Obama 4

Realizing that McCain needed only one point to clinch the election tie-breaker, Obama strategized that he had to get McCain to challenge his next statement, which if upheld to be true would win him the Liar’s Poker game and thus the presidential election by a score of 6 to 5.

Statement Seven by Obama: I was never really leading in the polls the week before the election.

McCain immediately challenged as he praised the “Great American Underdog” and cited the 1948 Presidential Election between Thomas Dewey and Harry Truman. As if he’d anticipated Obama’s statement, McCain even pulled out from his jacket pocket the famous Chicago Herald Tribune headline that read “Dewey defeats Truman!” A team of the nation’s top pollsters was called in to verify that Obama did indeed lead by at least 5 points in every nationally recognized poll. The margins of error were calculated and recalculated. Everything pointed to the validity and accuracy of the polls—until McCain pointed out that there had never really been any polls. Citing from a Holocaust deniers manual, McCain, who had clearly gone crazy long before the election, submitted that the whole polling system in America was nothing more than a conspiracy to get a black man elected president. He then demanded of the judges that they get actual proof to show that there were polls and records of every person who said they would vote in the election. The judges, at first aghast at the reference to Holocaust deniers, actually seemed to weigh McCain’s points with some seriousness. But before it went any further, McCain recanted his challenge, chuckled and then suddenly said that the nation needed his work on the world financial crisis more than it needed him for president. He looked at Obama earnestly, then apologized for making a fool of himself and left the studio. The judges, after a three-hour debate, decided to give Obama two points, thus winning him the game and the election by a score of 6 to 5.